24th November, Tuesday.
10.38am.
It’s really funny. Now that I know other people will be reading what I write, I’m suddenly overcome with the thought ‘what would other people like to read about?’ And maybe that’s why it has taken me as long as it has to write something. I’ve never really had the problem of being sat at my computer without a word to write but here I am, staring at the screen still thinking. I re-read my previous post, and although those are questions I consider, it all sounds quite formally written which isn't like me at all! I need to share something a little bit more from the heart.
Where shall I start? ...
I'm at work today, feeling rather frazzled I might add. I overslept again! I don’t know how it happens. I wake up at 7am for my alarm, put it on snooze and then don’t wake up for another hour! I’ll have to start asking Rahul to make sure I’m awake before he leaves the house at 7.45. I was about to leave the house with toasted bread in hand, ready to eat while walking, so this is getting a bit too much!
So! Dance is once again taking over. I got home around 10 last night. I met Milno in the library (I wasn’t allowed in because of a stupid shit of a man but I won’t talk about that. Although it’s quite funny because I haven’t felt that angry in such a long time! I started to really raise my voice, he was just being so outrageous! I think I also felt insulted because in all my five and something years at university I have never been refused entry. But I'm not a student anymore so... )
I have a new motto now, ‘I am f****** fabulous’. It varies between that and ‘fantabulous’ depending on how many syllables I’m in the mood for. I have come to realise that the reason I probably haven’t attracted any long lasting relationship with some beautiful knight in shining armour is because I haven’t felt like I deserved it. I haven’t loved myself enough, haven’t believed in myself enough and haven’t self-worthy-fied myself enough.
Two weeks ago when I was xenning, thinking about the whole situation with Jamie and how things didn’t make sense to me, a few things occurred to me. The most stark observation (does that sound like a paradox?) is that I wanted to just avoid seeing him or having any contact altogether but there was something that kept pulling me towards his family. And I was reminded of this every time I … went into their house. Isn’t that strange? I expected to say something like ‘every time I saw him/raina/ann etc’ but clearly objects can hold a gravitational pull as well – I use object for want of another word, I am aware that a house is really not an ‘object’ … inanimate, that’s it.
So I went along with that trend of thought, and then tried to figure out what there were two opposing feelings – one away and one towards. Due to what I Am about now, I realised that the pull ‘towards’ is probably the ‘true’ one. So why the pull ‘away’?
Because I don’t want to see Jaimie and be reminded of … how things have changed, how I – lost him? (I grimace while I write this because I no longer hold these thoughts)
We don’t ‘lose’ people, it is only a thought, something that we as people have come to associate with certain feelings. Yes, I felt sad that things were different, yes I was disappointed that he wasn’t pursuing me anymore, especially now that I wanted it. But why was I so quick to believe that it was because of the negative things about me? Why could I not believe that it was because of the positive? Why couldn’t I believe that he thought I was so perfect he couldn’t see himself dating me for a few weeks but would want something more than that? I’d known all the answers to these questions. I’ve heard him talk about it often and so I know these are all true possibilities. I am not being ‘unrealistic’ or whatever it is people love to say (‘You need to be realistic about things’ what does that even mean? We are surrounded by infinite possibilities all day, everyday, and each person views them in different ways. So surely if someone tells me to be ‘realistic’ we would end up having to assess what ‘real’ is- but that is another discussion for another day!)
I mulled over why I was so quick to believe the negative things. There is only one answer that I can come up with – that I already believed them before I went into the experience. There must be a part of me that already thinks I am ‘psychotic emotionally’ (hahahah), ‘easy to get over’, etc, if I find it so easy to believe that someone else could think that of me.
And this trend of thought reminds me of some of the initial research I did this year into the law of attraction, relativity, energy, etc. Our minds work in such a way that as soon you've decided something in a certain way, you will start to see evidence of it in a lot of your experiences. And this isn’t because it’s true, it’s because that’s the framework you use to view things.
SO, I decided that I would put aside all my seemingly petty human thoughts in this experience. I will go into it as if everything I thought prior to this was ‘wrong’ (here I am referring to all those negative assumptions I made regarding why Jaimie didn’t seem to want to pursue me anymore). It is the only way to cancel out these opposing feelings of pulling and pushing. Clearly, I am on the right path. My visit to Raina’s over the weekend is the perfect sign of this. For those of you who are reading this for the first time Raina is Jamie's grandmother, Ann is his mother).
I saw the heron again today. It’s as easy as that. I thought about something, realised that I don’t experience it as much because my path doesn’t go that way anymore (I am referring to my physical path here) and now I see the heron on my way to work, by the canal.
Things are really that easy. I only make it harder for myself. So I have decided to love myself more – probably includes a great deal of selfishness here – starting with my ‘fabulous’ statements every day. I don’t portray Who I Am enough, and when I do, I feel guilty or self conscious about it. Like yesterday, for example, Mayya was asking me how I managed everything last year – coursework and dancing – and whilest talking about it, I mentioned that it all paid off because I got a 1st for my dissertation after everything. Not surprisingly, I actually felt guilty after saying that because I felt like I was boasting. BOASTING??! But this is Mayya, we've been good friends for how long now?
[There were two sea gulls flying past my window just now] If at all, I haven’t talked about how happy I am with myself enough.
Once again, my supervisor has gone away somewhere for the morning (she’s actually giving someone a university tour) and I get to write as much as I want.
I’ve noticed my tone is different today, probably still a bit indignant from yesterday’s encounter with that suited man.
Better get back to work now.
